Teen Socialising - Hanging Out
Talking to Teens about Friends Time vs Family Time
How much "Hanging Out" is too much? According to Daniel Moore,writing in the Gotham Gazette ("Police Limit "Hanging Out" - October 2007)curfews and restrictions loom.....
Teen socialising can cause family conflict, affecting school grades, seasonal family quality time, vacations - and neighborhood environments if teen group-gathering is seen as a nuisance, Daniel Moore's Gotham Gazette article explains how "Police Limit Hanging Out " (October 2007), yet "Hanging Out" seems central to teens' emotional well-being....
Hanging Out and Teens Emotional Needs
Sometimes the enthusiasm for "hanging out" is more about teens' fear of "not being somewhere" than actually enjoying any "action." Whether there is anything "going down" or not, teens would rather be there; the old saying "Be there or be square." still apparently holding true today. Teens are anxious not to miss anything in case it lowers their peer staus; they need to feel they belong, and are accepted by peers.
When they are more emotionally mature, teens will learn to balance this need with their own values as independent citizens who can assert their individuality confidently and pleasantly without fear of rejection. They may need these skills later in order to walk away from a negative or dangerous situation, but for now, at High School age, their group activities can take precedence over almost everything else, even family..
To adults, these "activities" may not seem productive, seeming to consist mostly of lounging around, chatting, and wandering aimlessly. However, teens may interpret this as relaxing after the restriction of studying in school all day. Catching up on gossip, walking or driving from house to house to call on friends or collect them, listening to and discussing music, watching and comparing movies, practicing music together - are not only important activities to them but are crucial. Many a parent has been informed, tearfully, of this! Indeed, some will recognise these activities from their own socialising where hobbies are enjoyed or new friendships built.
Teens are learning social interaction skills; to take turns, to listen, to conduct relationships, to consider the opinions of others and to negotiate. Some teens will participate in less productive activities and need monitoring, but for most teens "hanging out" is just a normal part of growing up. They are creating their own private forum, away from adults, for interact.ion in venues such as malls, streets, parks or stations and are reducing their indoor family time.
Parents can, however, use strategies to balance teen socialising with the best interests of the family, and that includes Seasonal Family Festivities and Vacations.
Quality Time with Teens
Teens are sometimes surprised to know they are missed! It interests them that their company is considered fun and valuable at home as well as on the street. They sometimes respond well to being informed of this in a jovial manner and to suggestions that they stick around a couple of nights a week for a home-cooked family supper and a chat where their opinions on music, news and culture will be appreciated.
Teens can be reminded that families are communities where quality relationships can only be rewarding and happy if every member contributes, even if it is only a little. For example, a younger sibling may be missing the input of his big brother. A teen might not be able to stretch his tolerance far enough to include a brother in his group, but he can maybe find time for the odd swim, kickabout or guitar practice. His worth to the young person should be highlighted.
Extended family members should be respected and remembered, having (hopefully) committed their input to teen's well-being when these were younger. Teens can be reminded of this and how they appreciated it as little ones. A phone-call, or a card means a lot, even if Mom bought the card!
Negotiating Leisure Time with Teens
Small concessions are easier to achieve than big demands. Teens may be more co-operative in committing some of their leisure time to family quality time, if they know the exact boundaries of what is expected, the duration, and what concessions they can expect in return.
Parents could learn to 'trade' with their teen, swapping an hour's sibling babysitting wih an extra hour out on party night, or Sunday Dinner with In-Laws for permission for a take-out at the mall with friends. Teen anxieties often stem from a perception of an unended commitment.
School Grades must not be compromised in favour of aimless "hanging out." Sometimes teens prefer to commit to studying homework early in the evening as they then have their Social Life to look forward to later. Concessions can be accepted as long as Grades hold up - appropriate to the teen's ability.
Risks associated with Hanging Out
As outlined in the Gotham Gazette article, a police department is now tightening up on that teen group-gathering which is perceived as anti-social behaviour in some neighborhoods. In the UK also, the police have been given new powers :
"Measures in the Anti-Social Behaviour Act 2003 give the police and key local agencies new powers to deal with the anti-social behaviour that can blight communities. The Act supports the Government’s national Anti-Social Behaviour action plan ..........
Key provisions in the Act include:
- Penalty Notices scheme to cover noise nuisance, truancy, graffiti, and apply them to 16-17 year olds. " (UK Home Office)
Where this is associated with vandalism, drugs and crime some parents will be relieved. anticipating their teens' "hanging-out" being curtailed by curfews and "out of bounds" areas.
This may help teens who are vulnerable to intimidation or inclusion in criminal activities. Parents could communicate with other parents, agreeing the same curfews. Teen adherence to curfews is important - calling home about changed plans or requests to sleep over is a must. It is also important however, that teens know that reasonable requests will not be ignored, otherwise they may avoid refusal by not turning up. Parents can explain that in not informing adults of their whereabouts, teens' personal safety is jeopardized.
Teens have an inherent sense of justice, however, and if they feel their freedom of association is being unjustly curtailed, they may be defiant. Some teens, when faced with the prospect of nowhere to hang out, will have recourse only to their computers for socialising.
Wise parents may take turns in welcoming reasonably behaved teen groups into their homes occasionally so their children can hang out in safety - even if it is only in the garage, or sitting under the streetlight on the curb outside!
