Parenting - Christmas with Teens
Festive Season Challenges - Teens Hanging Out - Even on Christmas?
Nov 28, 2007
You have it all planned - loved ones flying in, a home-cooked Christmas lunch, drinks and nibbles for callers, perfect presents for kids and relatives, a vibrant make-over for the tree. but something's changed.
Christmas Routines
Suddenly there is no Santa coming down the chimney, no exciting wait at Santa’s Grotto, and everyone disappears when it’s time to drag the decoration boxes out of the loft.
As for 'being neighborly’, and offering round the canapes to Mr. and Mrs. Neighbour, well, your teens would rather be someplace else! If asked where they would rather be - the answer might come back "any place but here.”
What they usually mean is that they would rather be with their friends. When parents ask the reason (in view of the fact that all of teens' allowance is already used up, the weather is too cold for enjoying street life and “won’t all the other teens be inside enjoying Christmas with their families?”) some just shrug, mumbling they’d rather "hang out."
Sometimes teen socialising isn’t a problem, teens do their own thing unhindered - if they act responsibly. At times of altered expectations such as seasonal festivities however, tempers often flare. Perhaps the changed expectations of parents themselves are confusing teens? Perhaps those of extended family or friends move behaviour goalposts. Families may feel they are on show, and so expect a ramping-up in teen behaviour standards.
Teens Emotional Needs
Not all teens become disinterested in Christmas, but some make out that they could do without this family togetherness. Parents can reach through this barrier to the child inside a teen who is trying to appear diffident and nonchalant as an attempt to seem more grown up.
Underneath, many are still insecure and do need these family festivities as a foundation for emotional security. As writer Rodney Gage explains in his book Becoming the Parent your Teenager Needs (......"they do want assurance their presence on earth is important and valuable to someone …..the assumption a teenager who acts out is just going through a phase is wrong.” ) (Broadman and Holman, published 1999) Certainly any teen (having contributed nothing to Christmas preparations) would surely be dismayed if they came down on Christmas morning to an ordinary day! Successful family events, however, need input from every member, including teens.
Realistic parents can compromise, meeting teens in the centre ground. Teens are unlikely to agree to stick around the house for four solid days but sticking to a few, selected, sacrosanct traditions can build togetherness.
Encouraging Teen Co-operation at Christmas
A smiling teen who greets guests with cheerfulness, exchanging news and enquiring how they how they are for a few minutes before going out, is better than a grounded resentful teen sulking all evening in their presence.
Teens shouldn’t present their cool new cynical Christmas “attitude” to young visitors – an important magical Christmas was provided for them as little ones too.
Waiting with a good grace for the last diner to finish the Christmas meal or for an elderly relative to enjoy their company before rushing off to continue social networking or gaming, is good everyday social skills practice.
Respecting and thanking grandparents (to whom it means much to see carefully chosen gifts appreciated) is important. Remind teens of how much grandparents' input meant to them when they were little.
Teens could contribute to Christmas shopping in their own way, with early reminders and helpful suggestions from Mom, by visiting the mall themselves with friends, or even shopping online.
Christmas provides a rare window (away from peer group exclusivity) for teens to re-connect with family and enjoy special moments. Parents are safer in the knowledge that teens’ friends are similarly committed at this time! Teens may remember childhood experiences of warm family companionship and can hold these memories when returning to peer groups after Christmas, perhaps helping them to evaluate time commitments to the group.
Hanging out with friends is great, but "there’s no place like home" for hanging out with folks who have known you from the beginning and still love you - warts and all!.
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